Good Morning Year 6 and Happy Friday!
Well done for working very hard yesterday to begin your diary entries. I really enjoyed reading them after I got home from the Hub and I was really impressed!
This is our ‘published writing blog’!
Firstly, look at yesterday’s English blog and read my feedback on your piece of writing. Respond to the feedback and then complete your diary entry.
Once you have edited your writing and you are happy that you cannot improve it further, then it is time to publish it!
Type up your writing onto the blog so that other people can read your wonderful writing (make sure that there are no mistakes before you send it in!).
Editing and proof reading is so important…just as important as the actual writing! We all make mistakes (I make a lot!) so we must take time to read through our writing again.
Once you’ve edited your writing yourself, maybe you could read it to someone in your family? When you read your work to someone else, it can help you identify mistakes. You need to sit together so you can both see the writing, you can hold the editing pen and read out your work. Your partner will then check it makes sense, check spelling and give ideas to make it better.
Make sure you read and comment on other people’s works! You can be the teachers for today!
We can’t wait to read all your finished pieces 🙂
Miss Gorick and Mrs Healy xx
Dear Diary,
I think I may have made a big mistake today, or an amazing success. Maybe I’m crazy and most people probably think I am — correction, most would think I’m crazy, but I haven’t told anyone, so I guess I should just write it down.
It was a regular day, birds singing, sun shining, wing swaying, however, I had a whole different day planned. Usually I’d skip down the road, snatch a couple apples and a pouch or two, but instead I rushed straight out of the village, dashed through my shortcut (there went another skirt, another day of mending for Aunty), and made my way to the Royal Palace. Now you probably know what I did, and if you’re thinking ‘she stole something from the King’ you’re wrong, I stole something from the Queen. I’m planning on telling no one, so I hope no one gets suspicious. Now you may call me selfish, but before you do, you should know the real reason I did it…
So, someone I know, Vijay (and his family) is in a tough spot. I know him from the lake, though Aunty doesn’t like it when I go there, and recently he was attacked by a crocodile. His parents need lots of money to help him, so I went to the palace a stole a couple jewels, and that’s all. I just felt really bad for him, and so I did my best to help. Getting the jewels though was really stressful. I had to move quickly, silently and with stealth. While escaping though, I had to run for my life, I don’t want to know what might happen if I get caught. Just writing this down scares me, though my bet is that I’m safe, because no one has come to inspect me or anything.
After the robbery, I ran home to change, which brings me to now, on my way to see Neel. It seems I’m pretty early, but hopefully I’m not that suspicious. I don’t know what to think, whether to be glad, or regretful (I’m very puzzled though). I may have taken a bit more jewels than I should’ve but I’m planning to make some more good out of them.
I haven’t seen any guards since my escape, that ought to be good news. I feel this guilt inside me to, though I know what I did was a good cause, so why am I guilty if I got away with it? Wait, no, that’s not what I meant, I mean, why am I still scared? I’m clear, I succeeded, I have the jewels, I sell them and done. The guilt is following me. I can’t keep being negative, I have to hide these and get these to Vijay’s mother…I’m arriving at Neel’s Workshop, see you later diary, Chaya signing off.
Super work Ethan! Your use of descriptive language has created vivid imagery. A well structured and informal diary entry-well done 🙂
Good Morning everyone
Here is my diary entry:
Dear Diary,
Today was terrifying – If anyone finds out what I did I’ll be in big trouble. Even if it was all for a good cause, I think I went a bit too far. For this time while everyone was at the feast… I stole the queens jewels. As I said I was petrified. Nothing could be worse than being found in your king’s palace with a bunch of jewels, right out of the queen’s bedside.
I set off this morning wondering what I could do for Vijay, who had been bitten by a crocodile, when I remembered where we were going. The queens palace, of course – what better place to get money.
Then a plan started forming in my head. I would stay 10 minutes at the feast, go up to the queen’s chambers, steal some jewels and escape. But when the time came for me to escaped a guard stopped me. He pointed a spear right in my face. I thought I was done for, but I escaped. I ran home, got changed and went to see Neelan.
I kept telling myself I was going to be ok but a voice at the back of my head kept on saying I was going to be in big trouble.
Good bye diary,
Chaya
Thank you for publishing your finished piece 🙂 You have captured her emotions well through your use of language-well done Jeanne!
Good morning,
Here is my finished and edited piece:
Dear diary,
I’ve never been through something so suspenseful before and I can’t believe I’m the most wanted person in the country. Just getting into the palace was one of the most cunning things I’ve done. Jabbing their spears at me, I thought I was done for but then I thought of the distraction which could’ve saved my life.
Before I even got to the palace, I was thinking about how much trouble I’d be in if I got found out. But I had no idea it’d actually be. Once I got to the colossal gates surrounded by fearsome guards, there was no chance, especially when they repeatedly asked me why I was there. This was all until I told them I wanted a closer look at the glorious building. Although my heart was pounding and I was extremely nervous, I hid it (or I at least tried) and when the gates opened, I felt amazed and until I was out of sight, I pretended to admire every painting, piece of jewellery and decoration. Soon after, I stole everything I could until the guards were up my tail.
After I had gotten everything I came for, I ran for it as I could hear the metallic clinking of metal armour and spears. Wind rushing past me, my heart pounding and huge crowds in front of me, this truly was more action and suspense then I ever could’ve imagined. Soon after the crowds heard what was taking place and figured out it was me, they all tried to block or grab me but I was too fast. My only problem now was that there was a huge herd of elephants blocking my way, this couldn’t be the end, so I carefully sneaked through them and ran into the dense forest and onto farmland near my village. Once I got home, I couldn’t bear seeing those jewels so I hid them under my bed and payed down thinking about what happened. I had to go to Neel.
Well done Luke! The descriptions of sounds (wind, clinking metal, heart pounding) really brought your diary to life!
Hello happy first of May,
About yesterdays writing,i thought th e video was very useful but i’m not quite sure were to find comma splicing in my work. I think i have an idea of were it might be though, and i re-wrote it:
“The worst part is that i have just put my whole family, friends,… technically everyone in danger!Okay i might have taken it to far but,hey I was just trying to help.”
Hi Jade, thank you for getting in touch.
Let me see…well done for making some edits! I have just corrected a couple of mistakes and re written it below.
“The worst part is that I have just put my whole family, friends…well technically everyone in danger! Okay, I might have taken it too far but hey, I was just trying to help.”
I will have another look at your work from yesterday to help you identify where the mistake was.
Dear diary,
Today was an interesting day. For most it was a nice sunny day enjoyed at the promenade but for me it was quite different. On a day like this I would normally be running down the village, stealing a few coins and some wallets for fun or going to see Neel, but today I had planned to steal something from the castle. If you think I’m stealing something from the king you’d be wrong. I’m stealing something from the queen.
I had breakfast and left for the castle. I took a root down the forest since it was the easiest (and fastest) way into the castle. No-one knew what I had planned, not even Neel. I had persuaded the guard to let me through (while also letting him know about my father’s place by the King’s side), however I had restrictions, but, like always ,I found a way to get past without anyone noticing. I had ran past the building going through corridors after corridors and I had made it to the Queen’s bedroom.
I had heard the quick rumble of the guards rushing towards me. My heart stopped. Would they see me or would they not, I kept repeating that phrase in y mind until I was more safe. I stood up still shaking from before and carefully put the box in my pouch and from there all I had to do was escape (the easiest part).
There were guards everywhere looking for me- I wanted to distract them I made a thump on the door of a room across the Queen’s. I head the guards running into the room. It was my chance i bolted out of the room running down the hallways until i was cornered i hid between some poles praying the guards won’t find me. I was scared. I saw a guard jabbing his spear between the poles, It was now or never. I ran out passing another hallway running down a staircase and i had met my new problem: The Garden. I decided to carry on running but the elephants started worrying and everyone got distracted on them so I= just ran through the promenade and into the forest where I was safe.
And don’t worry I’m not a bad person or a greedy person. All these jewels aren’t going to benefit me in anyway. There is a boy: Vijay. Who was attacked by a crocodile and they needed a lot of money but they couldn’t afford it so I stole a few jewels to help them. I also did it to help Neel (my friend) his parents are poor so he has to work to support his parents so i thought if I gave hime a jewel or two he could stop working.
When I arrived home I made sure I was safe and was not being watched and then i sat on my bed looking at the jewels. I didn’t know if i should tell anyone. I had to tell Neel i had to tell someone. So I left to go to heels workshop and there I was. I told him and then I took one but hid the box in a drawer in the workshop. Anyway now i have to drop some jewels of to Vijays mother and return home so aunty doesn’t get suspicious so I better get going.
Hi Alfie, I’m so pleased to read your writing! You have written a super diary entry which is well structured and uses lots of different punctuation. Well done 🙂
Good morning!
Here is my writing
Dear diary,
You would never guess what I have just done! I have never been so scared in my life. What if I said that I…stole the Queen’s jewels would you believe me? Well . . . It is true. You might be thinking that it is not possible because there are guards guarding the palace but there were no one there, i mean no one in the palace (there was a festival so the guards were not so concerned about the palace).
So what happened was that I went to the palace pretending to be looking at the palace but I was actually I was there to steal. It was so beautiful there. I saw 2 doors and i asumed that they were bedrooms, so I picked the one on the right closest to the door. I turned the handle to see things any other girl would see, there were gold,silver and bronze objects. But in one particular draw had the four jewels, I opend it and took the jewels without closing the draw and withoutility thinking abouthat the conciquenses.
I was so relived when I got out, running with the jewels in my lether pouch. I was so happy that I closed my eyes,suddenly I felt a sharp point in my neck, i opend my eyes to see a bronze spear pointing at me. I froze. The guard spoke with a croaky voice.
“What are you doing in the palace?”
I replied saying ,” I am just looking around! “I smiled with sweat rolling down my face.
The other guard then said,” By The Way if any one goes inside the palace they would get a punishment. ”
I nodded and ran to my friend Neel to tell him what had happend. During the run I herd the jingle of the jewels, but also heard the Queen telling the king that the jewels are gone. I ran and ran as fast as I could.
The guards are coming, I have to go.
Farewell diary,
Chaya.
Hi Eliza and Happy Friday! I really enjoyed reading your diary entry. You have used direct speech effectively and punctuated your writing correctly-well done 🙂
Dear Diary,
Today I think I went a little bit too far. Who am I kidding, I went way too far! I can’t tell anyone, so that’s why I’m writing this. I usually only steal an apple or two, or someone’s wallet while they are not looking, but today I stole… the Queen’s jewels! I think I’m being hunted down, so I better keep a low profile. Anyway, this is how it started…
Vijay (one of my friends I usually play with) got attacked by a crocodile, and his parents needed a lot of money quickly so Vijay could be treated and taken care of. I knew what I had to, but I also knew it would be dangerous. I stole jewels from the Queens bedside table. I had filled my entire pouch with gems. Sparkling diamonds, aqua green emeralds, opals glistening like stars in a moonless, dark night, blood red rubies and pink sapphires. The jiggling of the gems told me I hadn’t been caught yet. A huge black opal was in my pouch, I had spent a few seconds stroking its smooth, polished surface. I went to the gate to go out, but a guard stopped me. My stomach turned to knots, I knew I was doomed. In spite of the guard’s young age (he looked like if he was 19 or 20) he was as tall as the gate and really buff. He said “What are you doing in the forbidden grounds, girl?” His harsh voice sounded menacing. “Nothing” I replied. “Tell me, or I’ll tell the king you were here.” A lie, a lie was all I needed to say, and I did. I said I just wanted to take a look at the magnificence of the palace. He let me go, but then I saw someone looking at me, it was the same person I thought saw me in the Queen’s room. I ran. I ran for my dear life while the guard yelled at me to come back. You must be thinking I regret what I did, but no, I’m happy because now Vijay can be treated, but I put myself and my family in danger, so I’m a bit worried.
-Gabriel.
Hi Gabriel 🙂 I’ve really enjoyed reading this! You have used descriptive language effectively which has brought your piece of writing to life 🙂
Thank you miss!
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This is my diary entry.
Dear diary,
You will never guess what happened this morning! I went into the queen’s bedroom and stole the diamonds in her bedside table. I had spent most of the time looking for the key for the table but when I finally found it (it was in her slipper next to her bed on the floor) I had opened the drawer and took all the jewels. Now I am the most wanted unknown thief. I know what you’re thinking, and by the way I am not being selfish. This isn’t for me and it’s for no one’s greed. Also, I have a good explanation. Anyway, let me carry on with the story; when I was about to go out through the back gates a nosy guard saw me and started asking me questions like ‘what are you doing here? And what do you think you doing?’ I just explained to him that I was only looking around; whilst pretending to be very innocent. He was holding me quite hard that I began to wince. Then he let go of me and another guard shouted that the queen’s jewels were missing from her room. Had I closed the door? Now I anyway won’t be able to find out.
The guard immediately asked me to stop walking because he wanted to ask me something, but I started running away from him because he mighty have looked in my bag and saw the glistening jewels just sitting there. I ran as fast as I could away from all the guards chasing me. My throat was dry, and I was beginning to slow down. I knew the guards were trained and would catch me any second, so I carried on for ten more metres. I cautiously looked out for any guards and stopped by a gooseberry tree. I took a gooseberry and all the scrumptious juice leaked out on to my blistered sweaty hands.
I don’t know how I will be able to tell Neel; (my best friend) he is always such a worrier.
Anyway, better get going to bed; My nana is already screaming her head off.
Goodnight!!! ?
Hi Elly 🙂 Thank you for publishing your work! This is a well-structured and creative diary entry. Your great use of descriptive language has created a tense atmosphere!
Hi Paloma 🙂 I have received your diary entry. Would you like me to upload it to the blog?
I as really impressed with how you structured your diary entry-it was clear and engaging to read. Well done!
Good morning Miss Gorick! Here is my FULL peice of writing!(the on e I wrote from yesterday and the one from today,all edited and proof read!)
Dear Diary,
Today I stole the Queens jewels.No big deal. I’m ALWAYS stealing stuff;from stesling candy from a baby, to the Queens glorious jewels.OK.maaaaybe that waaaas a little bit tooo far.But,hey!It WAS for a good cause!I would NEVER steal,and do such dangerous thing just for pleasure!Anyway,the moment I entered the royal Palace,I could smell the Fresh,hot sensation of honey roasted lamb,lying on a golden platter,sprinkled with crushed rosemary and chopped thyme.The strong scent of masala chai (typical indian tea,mainly for the adults,but I like to sneak in a sly sip from time to time!)flew right up my nose,smacking its way into my mouth,and pouring smoothly out onto my dry and crusty lips,starting to make me drool…
I tried to resist the mouth-watering temptation by tip-toeing towards the largest guard I could see,as he is most likely to be the cheif.I followed him up and down the room,checking to see if anyone was watching,then,all of a sudden:’YOU MAY SIT!’the guard screamed at the top of his lungs to the large croud,gathering around the 50 foot long dining table.I decided,just then,while he was distracted,to GRAB the key to the Queens room.As I tip-toed up the ice-cold staircase,I wondered if what I was doing was a little too much,but I couldnt help but think about the poor boy…umm…I mean…no one.Anyway,as I reached the top flight of stairs,I almost fainted, seeing how much grander the Queens room was in real life from how I have been imagining it!But just as I was turning the solid gold door knob,the little voice inside my head came back to me…OH MY!OH MY! Maybe coming here WAS a bit over the top.If I needed to help him,I could of just sneaked into an old merchents house,or something…
Thankyou!
Hi Ariella 🙂 It is great to hear from you! I’m so pleased that you took time to proof read and edit your work. I really enjoyed reading your finished piece as the informal tone made it very fun to read! You have captured Chaya’s character in your writing-well done 🙂
Dear diary,
I don’t believe I will ever quite forget what happened today. I did something good …. at least I think so. You see, there’s this boy … oh well. I might as well tell you.
A few weeks ago, Vijay, one of the boys at the river, was attacked by a crocodile while he was swimming. His family was told of a medicine that can fix him, but they’re so poor they wouldn’t even be able to afford the journey!
Sooo …. I decided to steal something. A few jewels. But not just any jewels. Oh no. The Queen’s jewels.
I know what you’re thinking right now. ‘She’s gone mad!’ or ‘What was she thinking?!’ or something of the sort. And, yes, I now think that it was slightly risky… OK. VERY risky. But it’s to help someone, plus the Queen has more jewels anyway. So let me tell you exactly what happened ….
This morning, I went to the King’s annual feast (I go every year). Once the guards were busied with some children (they were trying to climb the trees), I slipped through the palace gates, and scrambled up the side wall to the Queen’s balcony.
What came next happened so rapidly, I hardly had time to blink, and before I knew it I was speeding along the shadows of the corridors with a small pouch overflowing with jewels.
Suddenly, a gruff voice called out to me. “Oi, you! Stop right there!”
I froze in my tracks. The guards had seen me. I was done for.
Turning around, I stuttered, “Umm… hello?”
“What are you doing up here? The feast is down on the promenade!” Another guard arrived, pointing down to the bustle of people below.
“Umm…” I hesitated. Suddenly, an idea lit up my thoughts like a lightbulb.”I just wanted to see what it’s like up here,” I replied. “It looks so pretty from down there!” I made ,y face go all wistful, and pointed vaguely in the direction of my village. I think they believed me, for the honed spears were lowered from my neck, where they had been pointing for the duration of the conversation.
“Thank you,” I breathed with a sigh of relief. I stood quite still for a few moments, then made a bolt for it. I ran, faster than ever before, my heart pounding in my chest, the pouch filled with the stolen goods striking against my leg, my thumping feet sending up clouds of dust as I went. I sprinted all the way home.
Here I am now, out of breath and frightened. I’ve been thinking, and all my thoughts come to the same conclusion. I must go to Neel.
See you tomorrow!
– Chaya
Hi Chiara 🙂 Thank you for publishing your work-your diary entry made me smile!
I like the range of punctuation that you decided to use and your use of paragraphs and sentence structure made it very easy to read-well done!
Hello! This is my finished work:
Dear diary,
I know what I did was a wrong but it was the only idea in my head. I mean, it was a big difference to the usual. Anyway, I was just thinking about that poor boy who got bit by the crocodile, when I walked past the Palace. And I thought , maybe…
The next thing I knew I was in the Queen’s room, then fleeing. And how confident i was about not getting caught! But soon enough, my hopes crashed down as I found the head of a spear pointing at my neck.
“Where’d’you think your going?!” said the guard’s gruff voice.
Little did he know that inside the silk pouch around my neck was none other than the Queen’s jewels.
And they were coming with me.
Hi Laetitia 🙂 Thank you for publishing your work! I like the informal tone of your writing which captures the ‘character’ of Chaya. Well done for structuring your diary so clearly with paragraphs-it made it very easy to read!
Dear Diary,
What a relentless day, it’s not every day I can say I stole the Queen’s jewels from her bedside table. Fine, yes I know it’s a little extravagant but we need it! They don’t need all of those jewels for themselves. How was I supposed to know I could be putting my family in danger.
Either way I had to get out if there fast – just my luck that I ran into a guard. I had to make the excuse of ‘admiring the palace’, at least it worked. Next time I can’t get caught. The guard explained that locals and the public can’t go past the gigantic lion statues. I just had to pretend I didn’t know that.
I made a run for it past the king’s feasting hall, past the elephants and through people calling out for me to stop. Luckily, I managed to escape into the wilderness. I scrabbled up the tree and rested on a branch, as I took the jewels out – they glistened in the sleepy moonlight. I couldn’t believe what I had just done. Had I really just broke into an extremely guarded PALACE and steal the Queen’s jewels? Yes, yes I did.
Chaya.
Hi Antonia 🙂 It is great to hear from you and I really enjoyed reading your finished piece!
I think it is really clever to end with a question and an answer as it emphasises the dramatic event that just took place-well done!
Good morning everyone!
Dear diary,
Today was chaos. I usually write pages on pages of what happened, but today, I am simply in a loss for words. It all happened so quickly and… I stole the Queen’s jewels. Call me the biggest, most sneakiest thief, bit to be honest, I have no regrets on what I did today! …Even if the whole country is searching for me. Anyways, I shall start with what happened in the morning…
So the king threw this huge feast in the palace gardens where the whole land was invited and I took this opportunity to steal some of the Queen’s riches. Besides, I just wonder how many of those jewels she has already! Anyways, I crept up the stairs to the palace stairs when a guard quickly stopped me. I was petrified, frozen in fear, I almost didn’t have the strength to turn around and face him!
“What are you doing here?” asked the man in a low, grumbly voice.
“I err…. was just looking around!” I replied.
“You are not allowed to be here.” said the guard bluntly, as he took hold of my ear (which still hurts now) and dragged me back down the stone staircase. Although I got caught once, didn’t loose my drive to continue my mission. I soon crept up the stairs for the second time, making sure that the guards were distracted before disappearing through the palace doors.
As soon as I stepped inside, I rushed away to the Queen’s bedroom.
It was magical! It was really extra though, and so selfish that she had all this when the poor people of th village barely even has proper beds to sleep on! I opened the chest draw beside her bed and stuffed my scrawny pouch with the precious jewels . I felt exhilarated! These jewels would be more then enough money for my friends leg! I felt happy but also quite anxious as this was my biggest robbery ever! It was for a good cause though. So I scurried out of the palace doors not paying attention to anything until I heard a loud shriek coming from the palace. The Queen had found out her jewels were missing! I bolted out of the way of the crowd.
“Stop him!” shouted a guard, at least that’s what I thought he said. The next second, people tried to catch me but I dodged them like dodging bullets. I bolted through the elephants cage getting away just in time before the guards came.
Hi Jada! Thank you for publishing your work 🙂 Your use of a short, simple sentence at the beginning of your piece creates a ‘punchy’ start! You have created brilliant imagery through your choice of language-well done!
Dear Diary,
What a relentless day, it’s not every day I can say I stole the Queen’s jewels from her bedside table. Fine, yes I know it’s a little extravagant but we need it! They don’t need all of those jewels for themselves. How was I supposed to know I could be putting my family in danger.
Either way I had to get out if there fast – just my luck that I ran into a guard. I had to make the excuse of ‘admiring the palace’, at least it worked. Next time I can’t get caught. The guard explained that locals and the public can’t go past the gigantic lion statues. I just had to pretend I didn’t know that.
I made a run for it past the king’s feasting hall, past the elephants and through people calling out for me to stop. Luckily, I managed to escape into the wilderness. I scrabbled up the tree and rested on a branch, as I took the jewels out – they glistened in the sleepy moonlight. I couldn’t believe what I had just done. Had I really just broke into an extremely guarded PALACE and steal the Queen’s jewels? Yes, yes I did.
Chaya.
Hi Antonia 🙂 I’m so sorry to miss your super diary entry. However it has been a treat to read it this morning! Well done for varying your punctuation marks you have used dashes correctly. Also, you choice of verbs creates vivid imagery for the reader. Well done 🙂 Miss Gorick
Hello Miss Gorick,
Thank you very much yes I want you to upload it on the blog.
Great 🙂 I have attached it above!
Good Afternoon,
Dear Diary,
I’m so happy, I feel I’ve conquered the world! If you could see me, my grin, it’s from ear to ear. Yes … I got away with it. I know I’m a thief and I know the jewels don’t belong to me. However, most importantly I know they will earn me enough money so I can help others less fortunate than me. Oh how wonderful the jewels are; stunning, sparkling and smooth. How I wish I could keep them.
Today I spoke with the guard and he said: “what are you doing here, explain yourself “. So rude. He thought he could scare me but like my dad says I’m “unstoppable.” I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone so tall. He was a skyscraper! I felt as tiny as an ant but I have a big voice. For me being confident is important, it makes people believe you even when you are not being honest. It was easy to convince him that I was there for a different purpose but the journey through the palace was hard. There were so many lovely things there screaming out for me to take them home. If I could I would pop them in my pocket but they were too large and the skyscraper would be sure to stop me!
After I got hold of the jewels, I leapt across the stone cut stairs and for a second I thought I would trip over into the thorny bushes. I could feel the blood rushing through my veins. I could hear my breathing become deeper and deeper as a bead of sweat trickled from my brow onto my jet-black top. I was worried that the guards would stop me so I ran as fast as my legs would take me. I was a cheetah moving faster than the speed of light. As I ran, I took a glimpse of my precious gems just to see if I had lost any. When I finally got onto safe ground, I leaned against a tree and sat. My body was trembling, I had never been this tired. The jewels were pretty and perfect in my pouch. My robbery was a success and I feel so proud!
Stay Safe;)
Hi Sergio! I really enjoyed reading your piece of work and your use of informal language and sarcasm reflected Chaya’s inquisitive and cheeky personality. Well done!
Good afternoon Miss Gorick and Mrs Healy,
Here is my work:
Dear diary,
I did it! If anyone figures out what I’ve done I’m going to be in BIG trouble, and when I say BIG I mean BIG.
Today I stole from the Queens vanity. I couldn’t help it though! The jewels were shining in the sunlight, brighter than any other star, begging me to take them. I got out as quick as I could but a guard started chasing me, later turning into an army of men. Luckily, I sprinted as fast as could to Neel. I still have adrenalin pumping through my veins. Neel obviously saw me flustered and asked me what I had done this time. When I had told him what I had done he told me I had lost mind. Some people would say- let me correct myself, most people would agree with Neel. But, I know that the jewels will help Vijay get better. My mind is all over the place, I don’t know how to feel about stealing from the Queen. I’ve never done anything so extreme. I think-no, I know I crossed the line, but Vijay’s family needed the money ASAP.
But, don’t worry! I hid the jewels with Neel in a box with a secret compartment, so no-one can find them! The box is pretty ugly, so I doubt anyone will want to buy it, unless they have REALLY bad taste. I hope this just brushes over as another one of the unsolved burglaries\MY crimes. But, I doubt it. They’ll catch me someday, like the saying goes, “You can run, but you can’t hide”. I bet this crime will haunt me for the rest of my life.
I’ve got to go now! I’ll update you later!
Chaya
Thank you for reading my work!
Hi Shun 🙂 It is lovely to hear from you! The use of capitals and informal language makes your writing fun and engaging to read. Your writing is well structured with paragraphs-well done!
Thank you,
Here is the rest of my edited piece of work:
Today was a petrifying day,i can’t even believe i did such a crazy thing.I bet you wouldn’t believe me if i tell you i stole my own Queen’s jewels,but i did!!!The worst part is that i have just put my whole family,friends…,well technically everyone in danger!
Okay, I might have taken it too far but hey, I was just trying to help.” Although i have just proven to be the best robber in the world cause they didn’t catch me – kind of.Ok i know i shouldn’t be happy, sorry.This was an overwhelming day and i am lost for words but i still can’t believe i thought it was absolutely fine to sneak into the palace and grab a ruby or two.Now,the whole kingdom is looking for me!!!
Let me tell you how it all happened; It was a special day for the villagers as the king was having his annual feast.The birds were twittering, there was no breeze at all and it was extremely hot.As i walked through the happy festivities i saw many people enjoying this feast but i wasn’t going to do that i had other plans for this glorious day.I couldn’t help but imagine that i was going to ruin everything for them.But the Queen’s bedroom seemed too be pleading for me to come into it.I walked through the aureate ark and passed the magnificent lion who was starting down at the villages below.I carefully snuck into the palace and tiptoed my way through the warm, scarlet carpet and passed many rooms full of stunning paintings,colourful tapistry and comfortable chairs.On my way to the Queen’s room i also went through dining rooms were the cold marbled floor chilled my feet.I couldn’t stop myself from stuffing my face with pies and delicious chocolates.Soon enough i reached the Queen’s room and as i entered the glamorous place, i saw pearl necklaces,diamond encrusted mirrors,a rose scent hung joyfully i the air and a rose-gold bed side table stood next to a huge four poster bed clothed in long silk curtains.I opened it and found many exquisite diamonds of all kinds:Rubies,sapphires,emeralds,canary,steinmatz pink diamond…I took the lot and made my way out(accidentally leaving the door open).
I had to find a way to escape though because i had no intensions of staying in the castle dungeons guilty of stealing so many diamonds (man my dad would be angry).My heart was beating faster than ever as i went from grand pillars to scary statues hiding from every guard or servant.I was nearly there, i could see the door,i made one step but it was a bad one.”CREAK!”i jumped a little scared.I had landed on a creaking floor board. A guard turned around and pointed his razor sharp spear at my neck, I was done for, but then I thought of the lie that would safe my life, the lie the lie that would help me! the guard grumbled, “what are you doing here?”
I answered ” oh, I’m just looking around
” your not aloud here” bellowed the guard back”you should be down there enjoying the festivities!” (not I my friend, I wanted to tell him that I ‘d much rather steal the queen’s jewels.)but instead I just kept going with my plan.
“I wanted to get a little closer to the palace. It seemed so pretty from down there.”I said and believe it or not it worked so I casually left, my heart still pounding. I had plastered a fake smile across my face and I had hoped he didn’t notice.The jewels were jingling in the pouch as I looked back at the castle. Then for some reason I wanted to go back in to steal some more stuff but I knew it was impossible. I continued walking when suddenly everything turned hectic.,everything happened so quickly.i heard a “AAAAAAHH!…ahh
WHAT HAPPENED… NO!!!! WHY ME!!MY PRECIOUS JEWELS HEEEELPPP NOOOOO!!!” I nearly jumped out of my skin and I knew and had dreaded this to happen. I had to make a run for it . Now!
I ran back through the feast pushing past people. The smell of lamb marinated in pomegranate frilled my nostrils. People shouted “watch were your going!”but i didn’t have time to watch.They were after me.I had to do something,i was running for my life,terrified.In my head everything was chaos.Impatiently, i ran and ran blending in with huge crowds until i was trapped.Elephants,huge elephants stood in front the gates,there was nothing i could do except run through them,so thats what i did.Then i didn’t stop running until i was sure i had lost them.I ran through my secret shortcut (here goes another afternoon of being yelled at by Aunty) and i went straight to Neelan were…
Sorry got to go ( i bet its Aunty,wish me luck!)
Hi Jade 🙂 I thoroughly enjoyed reading your writing so thank you! I can tell that you have spent time proof reading and editing as your piece is clearly structured, full of descriptive language and portrays the mischievous character of Chaya-well done!
Good morning ,
Here is my finished piece :
Dear Diary,
Today I woke up with a great sense of guilt, how could I have done that ? The jewels they weren’t mine, I lied, I stole and I ran away. I do feel guilty but the beauty of the jewels made me happy and for a moment I thought I was rich. Well I wasn’t selfish because I stole from the rich to give to the poor. I feel like Robin Hood . However deep down I do feel what I did was wrong.
When I spoke to the guard I felt anxious I could feel my heart pumping as I lied. He was a wall that was in my way. My palms felt sweaty and my throat felt as if it had a frog in it. My body was punishing me. I supposed I deserved it. I knew I had to convince the guard that I was innocent. I was a bag of nerves but I wanted to look as if I was confident and sure footed.
As I left the palace and guard I felt excited, scared and relieved all at the same time. I remember the smells of spices which added hunger to my bag of emotions. But the bag that interested me the most was the bag with the jewels. I could feel their weight, as their smooth sleek shiny surfaces hit one another almost jingling . They were warmed by the heat of my body as I ran away from the palace. I moved as fast as lightning. I could feel my muscles ache ; I wasn’t used to running at this speed. I was determined not to get caught . I cannot bring myself to say what I did was right but it was necessary and will help another person. Should I really feel guilty about this ?
Hi Javier 🙂 Thank you for publishing your diary entry! I really like how you have started and finished with a question as that immediately engages the reader and makes them think. Your piece of writing is also well structured with paragraphs making it very easy to read-well done!
Dear Diary,
My heartbeat was a raged stampede of panicking animals. It was the biggest risk of my life stealing jewels- I was chased by the guards who commanded, “Pass the pouch immediately … don’t push your luck… you’ll be imprisoned!” I had no time to think about what they were saying; I had to escape this luxurious palace. At this moment, I thought why would someone need this many jewels- when you have an immense palace. By taking these jewels, I could help my friend Vijay to get the best treatment for his leg.
I dashed through a small armoury room and towards the elegant promenade. The guards continued chasing me while demanding, “Stop that girl!” I cautiously ran through the crowd and suddenly a mahout snatched my plat. I managed to free my plat and swiftly headed to the marble lion statue near the grand fountain. I tried to hide then I spotted my chance to escape, I ran through the side exit by the large jambu tree. Free at last!!! I stopped and held out the pouch, I saw a variety of jewels; sapphire, tourmalines and rubies embedded in gold. I smiled and looked up and I headed home.
Hi Anahi 🙂 Thank you for publishing your writing. It is great to hear from you! You have included some effective fronted adverbials which increases the clarity for the reader and your use of descriptive language creates vivid imagery. Well done!
Dear Diary,
Today was a hectic day. Today I stole the Queens jewels. I will give you some time to be impressed. OK, maybe I was a little ambitious but I needed those jewels. Let me tell you how this story all began.
It was the day that the public were invited to the Kings gardens for a feast, of course I was going to go. It was a grand feast ,but even better a chance to sneak into the palace and grab some of the Queens jewels. So I wasn’t going to throw away such an opportunity.
As I arrived the smell of freshly cooked Samosas and lamb Biryani and fried Okra filled the air. I deiced to stay and enjoy the feast as I knew there wouldn’t be another one for years. The food was divine.
Sneaking into the palace was not as hard as I thought it was going to be. And it was quite easy to find the queens rooms without using fathers blueprints as her door was lavishly decorated with exotic colours and clearly stated ” Queens chambers with all her gold and jewels (Thieves please don’t be tempted)”. But of course I was tempted and stole her her finest merchandise.
Unfortunately I got caught and had to act as if I was a very dumb person who was new to the kingdom. Unfortunately The Queen realised that her jewels were gone when she went to get them so she could show em off.
That’s when the whole goose chase began. I was chased right out of the city but I lost them and now I am on the lam.
Hi Nina! So sorry for my late reply-I somehow managed to miss your wonderful writing!
You have structured your diary entry brilliantly using paragraphs and I love your use of descriptive language to describe the smells in the air-your choice of language creates vivid imagery!
One tip, in your second to last paragraph, can you edit the sentence starters so they both don’t start with ‘unfortunately’?
Miss Gorick 🙂
Hello Miss Gorick , this is my diary entry:
Dear Diary,
I think I’ve made a colossal mistake.This time I may have taken something a little….no a lot more valuable than before.
Today was the biggest risk of my life.Today could have been a normal day, but not for me, I had other plans.I would soon be on the way to the palace after school,during the fiesta that is.I was on the way to the palace when I looked up to see that the streets were more jam-packed than I thought.All that commotion would be a big help though.I slipped through the crowd,over the Lion Gates,up the stairs and snuck through the many hall ways leading to the queens dressing room.I went to the queens dressing draw taking all of the jewellery.But I started hearing voices and knew I had to leg it.
Scurrying towards the exit, my heart was pounding when a bronze spear poked at my neck.At first I was thinking of sprinting towards the exit but then realised that it would make obvious that I was there as foe not friend.My next words were verbal diarrhea ”I…um…here to um…see what the castle looks like up close…”My words were so fake and yet it worked.I started working towards the Lion Gates as casually as I could but then yelling and screaming coming from the queens room.
I sprant across the cobbled stone paths, looking back only to see floods of guards rushing towards me.I ran into an alley which unfortunately had the gate locked.seeing the group of elephants gave me an idea.I used the elephants as a diversion and made my escape.Well I diary I’m getting tierd.
Goodbye!Yours sincerely,
Chaya
Hi Timothy thank you for your comment. I really like your use of descriptive language which creates vivid imagery for the reader. Well done for structuring your Diary entry with paragraphs as this has made your writing easy to read for the reader. Miss Gorick 🙂
P.s as it is a diary entry, you don’t need to sign off with yours sincerely.
Hi Gaspard 🙂 Thank you for sending in your writing for me to read-I have attached it above.
Your diary entry is presented well and structured correctly meaning it is easy to read and your use of speech effectively conveys emotion.
Make sure you have commas in the right places (after fronted adverbials) and I can spot a couple of spelling mistakes. Read through your work and see if you can complete the edits.
Well done Gaspard 🙂